Hear my Story. .

Why am I this weak?

I cant speak out, I cant tell anyone how I feel and I keep drowning myself in my own tears. Am I really destined to be one of those people living a miserable and unhappy life? I think its not bad to admit to myself that I need somebody. Someone who can help me get through this lonesome life.. Someone I can speak to, someone who can understand, someone who is willing to listen, and who can make me smile even for a while.. Do you know how it feels, when you want to say something , but when you told someone about that something, i ts as if you don't say anything? Do you know how it feels, kapag may gusto ka sabihin but you don't have enough courage to say it? Pero once nag-try ka to tell it,as if the one your talking to is mute and deaf? And when you just keep silent, dtaying in that four corners of your room, they will tell you "SPEAK OUT", how can we understand you? -January 30,2009

This was written last January 30,2009 , in a small piece of paper when I had an argument with my mom.I m not the type of person who used to express my emotions through words, so that night I express it through writing. That were the exact words written there, and I don't know why I posted it here on my blog- for I know its something really personal.Being the only girl in the family, give me so much benefits, but at the same time a big responsibility. I think the main issue here is - TRUST. They dont trust me enough to believe in what Im saying and to do what I want to do. They always see my faults and never stop nagging at me, till thir words sink in. I always follow their commands and advices, but yet I dont get their full trust. At an early age, I was tld not to commit or engage in a relationship (boy-girl), till I finish college. I fell in love before but I didn't commit in order for me not to disappoint them. But always the same thing, I think they don't trust me when I tell them I don't have a boyfriend and never had one before.. They get irritated and curious whenever they see me browsing my phone for hours or talking to someone in the phone. YES they love me,...but is it really their way of showing or letting me feel it? I love my mom so much, that's why though she keeps on telling me things that she repeatedly told me before, I don't answer back. I just listen though it really hurts that you cant even defend yourself from those things they keep on insisting. Maybe mothers are really like that, the difference maybe is on the child's reaction or on how he or she will cope up with it. I'm not a good daughter, but I'm trying to be one. I'm obedient but not yet fully trusted, and lazy that's why I'm hated.

Sorry if I have been bad, 'coz maybe as the eldest I should act maturely. Sorry for all the foolish things I've done, but please do understand. Sorry.

How thoughtless I had sometimes been I hurt you so badly But now I feel the pain I talked to you as if I knew just everything Maybe I didn't lose But I know I didn't win..

How careless I had sometimes been I gave you the heartache But I felt the pain I wanted to tell you How much I love you so I know I'd been careless I forgot to let you know.

Sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you You know I got hurt too Sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to break your heart Please let me make a brand new start.

How crazy I had sometimes been I hurt you so badly But now I feel the pain Next time I'll know better I'll have more time for you I'll listen to your heart Just like you asked me to..

Sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you You know I got hurt too Sorry, I'm so sorry Forgive my many faults And the foolish things I've done I was so insensitive And I didn't understand..

I ♥ RAINFALL

"All day,staring at the ceiling making friends with shadows on my wall. All night hearing voices telling me,that I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for something. Hold on, feeling like im headed for a breakdown. But I don't know why...

Im not crazy im just a little UNWELL". . . -mATCHBOX 20

Failure is a part of human life,so true. There are times when we feel so much joy, and to balance it (maybe thats how we can call it), we also go through pain. In this post, please allow me to express everything that I feel and felt for the past years. I hope that through writing, it would help decrease the heaviness im feeling.

Have you experience controlling yourself not to cry though the tears were already falling from your eyes? Ayaw mo man umiyak, and pretending to be all right and strong,but when your filled with sadness, you can't really control yourself not to cry. Just last week I felt it again. It really hurts to know that you failed again and again. Do you know that the most hurtful failure I have, was not being qualified to the University I want. Maybe for some, its a non-sense thing but it means a lot to me. Not being qualified means being far and away from my family and friends. In my first year in the campus I'm in right now, there's always a thought of transferring or shifting to another course. But it didn't came to action and reality so I spent my 2nd year in the same school. It was in my 2nd year when I felt one of the worst feeling I had, the sadness of being alone. At first I see it as something really negative, but as I go on I look at it as a challenge and I think I succeeded, I conquered all the fears and was able to do everything the way I want it to be by myself. I thought those days were over, pero hindi pa pala. Im hurting,it really hurts as if im stabbed in the chest and my heart and respiration seems to failed. This emotions are getting worst and never leaves me. Its the thing that makes us human, the presence of those things. And how sad that in this journey of misery, no one is with me.

I'm still alone, and it hurts to admit it. It also hurts knowing your friends don't even bother to text you to know how your doing, and the fact that they don't even remember you. This is why I'm really thankful for having Grace and Chin, because though were not the type who goes out together or not even got the chance to see each other often, they never fail to remember.

Chin + Grace

Maybe they don't know how much I appreciate their presence in my life, but guys these 2 girls - I consider them as a gift .And actually, meron pang humahabol sa list but I don't want to mention her name. The friendship between us had just started, and I dont know if what she's showing me is real. The way we started the friendship, was also the same way I had it with Grace and Chin. Pero she's really nice din, and I think naman she's real. So para sa kanila, thank you so much. Inaaway ko man kayo minsan, eh kasi inaaway nyo din ako. =) Sorry if minsan I fail to keep in touch, pero alam nyo naman how busy I am.. Hmm, wait I think kung san-san na napadpad usapan. Well, lets go on with something good para happy. Last July 28, we had our capping and oath taking at St.John Church. It wasn't a super happy feeling, but it feels good. And knowing that my family is happy (i can feel na masaya kami ngayon), makes me feel so blessed despite the sadness im feeling. I just noticed, that when Im doing good in school, emotionally im not ok. But this time, my failures in school is the one bringing me pain while for my family,im really happy. Hindi ba pwede magsama sila? I do good in school and at the same time emotionally stable ako? Pwede naman ata diba? Well,sabi ko nga sa Tadpole Story "Happiness is a choice". I think i'll just stick to that,kasalanan ko naman. Donna,Donna its time to make a difference. Kahit weak ako, im a fighter so if this negative emotions think they can kill me, sorry pero hindi. Im gonna kill you,to meet happiness tomorrow. Kaya ko to, I know I can. Nakakatawa naman ang post na to, parang walang patutungohan. =) Im not prepared kasi for this,kung ano maisip ko,directly encoded na. :) I love you RAINFALL! Thank you kasi I came up with a blog na katulad mo, dati I write everything at the back of my notebooks at least ngayon,organized na sya. It helps me a lot, kaya thank you to my bestfriend- rainfall. It may always rain, but after it,there will always be a rainbow. Speaking about rainbow, exactly 4:30 pm today, I saw a rainbow. I wish it is a sign of good luck from the above, meaning konting tiis pa and my rainbow will show up. :) And im excited to meet happiness by the time I reach the rainbow and leave all my downfalls behind. To my sweetest downfall, thank you for the memories and for teaching me how to love.. To happiness, I hope to see you soon, hintay ka lang kasi there's a fight pa going on samin ni Sadness..

Goodbye sadness, welcome happiness! :)

+ I will be HAPPY :) i LOVE my Rainfall. . :)

downfalls.. :(

I think im now facing again a sad, miserable life. :( Di ko na maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. Do u know how it feels when ur controlling urself not to cry, kahit na nafi-feel mo na babagsak na sys sobrang pigil ka pa din? ang sakit at bigat sa pakiramdam.. Ayoko n umiyak,palagi na lang ganito eh.. Are this misty eyes really meant to cry? Im so down, for whay reason? im not ready yet to share about it. wala nga sana kong plano mag-post now, this is such a dumb post! Pag ok na ko, I will just erase this.. But now gusto ko lang sabihin sa mga nagbabasa dito about it. im finding it hard kasi to show and express what I really feel, so thanks sa blog na to kasi nailalabas ko lahat.. If ur curious about it,well secret na muna. i will discuss about it in my next post maybe. since nasabi ko naman at the very beginning that this blog was made to tell and express my emotions freely and discuss about my rainbows and downfalls. Ung mga dati kong post,mostly rainbows right? my next post will be about my downfalls. mejo bc lang kasi may nga midterm exams pa pero i will let u know about it as soon as i can..sa ngaun,secret na muna. sa may alam nito at nag-aadvice salamat. take care guys and sorry for this post.

Thank u din for visiting.. God bless po..