Hear my Story. .

Why am I this weak?

I cant speak out, I cant tell anyone how I feel and I keep drowning myself in my own tears. Am I really destined to be one of those people living a miserable and unhappy life? I think its not bad to admit to myself that I need somebody. Someone who can help me get through this lonesome life.. Someone I can speak to, someone who can understand, someone who is willing to listen, and who can make me smile even for a while.. Do you know how it feels, when you want to say something , but when you told someone about that something, i ts as if you don't say anything? Do you know how it feels, kapag may gusto ka sabihin but you don't have enough courage to say it? Pero once nag-try ka to tell it,as if the one your talking to is mute and deaf? And when you just keep silent, dtaying in that four corners of your room, they will tell you "SPEAK OUT", how can we understand you? -January 30,2009

This was written last January 30,2009 , in a small piece of paper when I had an argument with my mom.I m not the type of person who used to express my emotions through words, so that night I express it through writing. That were the exact words written there, and I don't know why I posted it here on my blog- for I know its something really personal.Being the only girl in the family, give me so much benefits, but at the same time a big responsibility. I think the main issue here is - TRUST. They dont trust me enough to believe in what Im saying and to do what I want to do. They always see my faults and never stop nagging at me, till thir words sink in. I always follow their commands and advices, but yet I dont get their full trust. At an early age, I was tld not to commit or engage in a relationship (boy-girl), till I finish college. I fell in love before but I didn't commit in order for me not to disappoint them. But always the same thing, I think they don't trust me when I tell them I don't have a boyfriend and never had one before.. They get irritated and curious whenever they see me browsing my phone for hours or talking to someone in the phone. YES they love me,...but is it really their way of showing or letting me feel it? I love my mom so much, that's why though she keeps on telling me things that she repeatedly told me before, I don't answer back. I just listen though it really hurts that you cant even defend yourself from those things they keep on insisting. Maybe mothers are really like that, the difference maybe is on the child's reaction or on how he or she will cope up with it. I'm not a good daughter, but I'm trying to be one. I'm obedient but not yet fully trusted, and lazy that's why I'm hated.

Sorry if I have been bad, 'coz maybe as the eldest I should act maturely. Sorry for all the foolish things I've done, but please do understand. Sorry.

How thoughtless I had sometimes been I hurt you so badly But now I feel the pain I talked to you as if I knew just everything Maybe I didn't lose But I know I didn't win..

How careless I had sometimes been I gave you the heartache But I felt the pain I wanted to tell you How much I love you so I know I'd been careless I forgot to let you know.

Sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you You know I got hurt too Sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to break your heart Please let me make a brand new start.

How crazy I had sometimes been I hurt you so badly But now I feel the pain Next time I'll know better I'll have more time for you I'll listen to your heart Just like you asked me to..

Sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you You know I got hurt too Sorry, I'm so sorry Forgive my many faults And the foolish things I've done I was so insensitive And I didn't understand..